Trying to Take a Break

It was a beautiful Monday morning last summer as I sat down on a lounge chair to relax. I had lost my job five days earlier, but was in no rush to find the next job – or even to look. So I was taking some time off: My plan was to do whatever I wanted to do. I had spent the previous four days backpacking with friends on an already-planned (and wonderful) trip. This was the first day I would have been going to work if I still had my job. I did my morning meditation, solved the Wordle, and started flipping through the newspaper. Soon, I noticed a sinking feeling spreading through the pit of my stomach and a growing sense of dread.

This dread wasn’t about money or health care — I had planned for those things. It wasn’t about any specific need. Instead, it was about my complete freedom, and the lack of structure suddenly staring me in the face. I am a person of habit and routine whose routines were gone, and whose habits no longer felt relevant.

This post is the second in a series of posts reflecting on losing my job.

My lounge chair, newspaper, and games waiting for me.

Making Sense of Disruption

I waved goodbye to the smiling faces arrayed before me on my monitor and prepared to join my next call. It was late Wednesday morning, and these were my last two calls before starting a four-day weekend. I looked forward to finishing up some tasks, cleaning up loose ends, and heading out on my annual backpacking trip. The call had been a going-away for my friend Amy. Her last day would be Friday, but this call had been scheduled for Wednesday so I could attend. My next call was my regular one-on-one with my manager, also moved up because of my time off. Things had been strained between us, so I wasn't exactly looking forward to it, but I was looking forward to getting it over with and heading out on my vacation.

I clicked the link and the video call opened. Instead of one, there were two people on this call: my manager and someone I did not know. That could not be good. Was I being put on a performance improvement plan? My boss quickly introduced the second person — she was from HR — and then continued. "David, you are not meeting my performance expectations for a staff engineer. Further, I do not see a path for you to meet those expectations. Therefore we are letting you go, effective today.”

He told me our colleague from HR would walk me through the process.

“Do you have any questions for me?" he asked.

I did have questions. I had questions for him, for her, and later, I had many questions for myself.

That Wednesday was over a year ago. Many things changed for me in that moment, and I have spent a lot of time thinking about it since then. This post introduces a series of posts about my thinking, learning, and life over the past year. The first post is out now, with the remainder to follow.

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Before continuing, I would like to briefly address “You are not meeting my performance expectations.” It’s true, I wasn’t meeting his expectations. It’s also true that I was good at my job. All my formal reviews had been good to great in my 10 years in that job. I usually received glowing reviews and was promoted twice. After being let go, I received many touching notes from colleagues who were shocked and upset that I had been let go. Many of the notes directly contradicted my manager’s story.

While it is scary to say publicly that I was fired, I think it is important to the story I want to tell. I also think sharing it may help others in similar tough times.

That said, this series is not about my dismissal per se, but rather my reaction to it and my continual attempts to make sense of it so I could move on and make the most of my life, experiencing and creating as much goodness (joy, wonder, love, satisfaction, …) as possible. This story starts well before my firing, and continues well afterwards. I have tried to intentionally live my life, regularly reflecting on what makes me happy and fills me with energy, and what does the reverse. Those reflections led me to both become a manager (lead engineer), and then eventually step away from that job. After transitioning from management to a staff engineer role, I continually tried to define my own job to be the best it could for myself and my company. Those efforts set the scene for this series.

• This series starts with me getting the role I had long worked to develop and sell. Starting that role was scary, as I then needed to deliver in that high stakes role. In this first post, I talk about framing that pressure and the nervousness of having to deliver in that new position.
• The series continues after my dismissal as I tried to give myself the space I needed to adjust. It turns out that too much free space can be terrifying, at least for me.
• Losing my job was a large shock to my sense of identity, and I have been actively reshaping my sense of self. Several posts in the series cover my thinking and shaping of my identity:
• Early in my time off, I started to grapple with the question of “Who am I?” I had let too much of my identity be tied up in my job. Losing my job disrupted how I thought of myself.
• After spending a lot of time grappling with who I am, I realized I didn’t know who I was. At least I didn’t know how to tell the story of my personal journey over the past 10 years, including losing my job.
• After continued reflection, I returned to who I wanted to be, as a unified human being. I didn’t want a professional identity and a personal identity. I wanted one unified identity, with my professional life being one expression of that identity. I expect this will be a continuing process for the rest of my life. I feel really good about my current framing of my identity.
• Finally, the period of reflection covered by this series ends with me starting my next job and moving on to the next chapter of my life.

These posts, including the reflection, drafts, editing, and discussion that went into them, are part of the larger process I’ve been going through as I’ve made sense of this part of my life — and my life going forward. Writing them has been a healing, growing, and positive part of my past year. I share it all with you in the hope that it might help you or otherwise resonate with you. If any of it does help or resonate, I would love to hear from you about it.

Thank you to Heather Beasley Doyle for her feedback on this post and her support through this entire period of my life. Heather is a gifted writer. You should check out her homepage and her writing. 

I’m Starting a New Job

Tomorrow (January 2nd, 2024) I start a new job. Five months ago I left my previous job with no idea of what would come next, beyond taking a long break to relax and recharge. 

Me, at an early viewpoint on Wildcat Mountain towards the start of a backpacking trip and the beginning of my 5 months off. Photo courtesy of Tom Lehmann.

Hiking My Way To My Job

I got my current job because I hike. Rather, I wouldn’t have gotten my current job if I didn’t regularly hike.

 
Many people think that their success is solely due to their hard work. They planned, put in the effort, and achieved what they set out to do. They deserve credit for what they have done. However, I also think they benefited from a large helping of luck. More importantly, I think we do everyone a disservice when we claim complete control over and credit for our own success.

Me on a recent hiking group outing with the Hudson River behind me.

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A Story of Success

The short version: I was a smart kid. I did well in school, and got into a good college and a better grad program. I earned a Ph.D., got a great job after graduating, and then an even better job several years later. Along the way, I published papers and patents and grew my network. I worked hard, charted my path, and succeeded. This is the story that teenage David would tell, of completing my destiny to have a great career in computing.

That story is short because it leaves out a lot of details. Let’s start with the easy omissions: I was born to two loving parents who raised me in a well-to-do neighborhood with good schools. I may have been an awkward child, but all the adults (and many of the children) expected and encouraged me to succeed. Unfortunately, many people do not grow up with that support. I was very lucky.

A Story of Chance

The long version includes a number of lucky breaks. I ended up at graduate school at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign (UIUC) in part because my friend and classmate went there a year earlier. Seven years later I was hunting for a job as I finished my doctorate. The company and research lab I ended up with had a strong pipeline from UIUC. If I had gone to another school, I would have been less likely to end up where I did. Further, I was hired right before a hiring freeze. My hiring manager sped up my paperwork to make sure I got in. So, if I had been on the market a few months later, I would not have ended up with the same job. I loved working in that lab and got to know many amazing people, including IEEE and ACM Fellows, National Academy Members, and a Turing award winner.

Soon after joining the company, I joined a weekly hiking group at work. Many fellow hikers became friends. I know them solely because they also like hiking and worked at the same company.

A Second Chance

Moving forward several years, I had built a nice role for myself, in which I got to work on interesting projects and was well rewarded. However, my company was not growing and had gone through periodic layoffs. I didn’t worry about my job, but I did worry about how much I could accomplish in that environment. Then, across a year, several unrelated but important things happened.

Several members of my team had a side project that suddenly became successful. They and their project were moved to a new division. I was excited for my colleagues, but it also meant I needed to find a new team. Around the same time, my youngest child was finishing daycare and starting kindergarten. His daycare was located at the site of my office, and I had been dropping him off and picking him up every day. Finally, one of my hiking buddies had been laid off and started a new job at a startup I had never heard of before.

Because of the reorganization, I had to re-evaluate my job. Because of the health of the company, I was willing to look elsewhere. Because my son was done with daycare, I was no longer tied to my current office. Because of all these things, I decided to look far and wide for my new job.

One of the places I looked into was my friend’s startup. The one I only knew about because of him. The one he worked at because he had been laid off. I told him what I was looking for and described my skillset. It turned out that his company was looking for my exact skillset at that exact moment! I interviewed and was hired.

Let’s see all the small changes that could have happened and kept me from my current job. If my colleagues’ project hadn’t taken off, I’d have no need to look for a new job. If my son was younger, I’d still be tied to the daycare. If the company was healthier, I wouldn’t have looked outside it. If I didn’t hike or my friend wasn’t laid off, I’d be completely unaware of my current company. If all of this had happened a few months earlier or later, the company wouldn’t have needed me.

Hiking group poster from 2010. The man in the yellow shirt is the friend who introduced me to my current company.

Do the Random Parts Matter?

At this point you may object: David, there may have been a lot of chance involved, but things would have worked out well for you anyway – the particulars were random, but your being successful was not by chance.

You may be right. But there are two important points to consider. First, my life would have been very different in ways I couldn’t have planned if I hadn’t ended up where I did. I had an acceptable competing offer in hand – I would have ended up at a very large company, instead of a small one. All my experiences would have been very different and I strongly doubt I would have become as well known in my field as I am. I may have been successful, but it would have been a very different version of success. It would have looked like a very different plan.

Second, I have the privilege of having a lot of opportunities. Yes, I have worked hard to provide myself with opportunities, but as covered above, I have benefited from many factors outside my control. Many people do not have all those opportunities or never get the right one.

Increase Your Luck

Hard work and planning matter: they are necessary for success, but not sufficient. So, by all means, celebrate your victories. You earned them. But also acknowledge your luck and be grateful for it. I am.

Finally, consider what you can do to increase your luck. You can put yourself in good situations where things are likely to go your way. I did that by working hard in school. I did that by applying for many jobs so I could compare multiple offers. I also did it when I chose to do something I love – hiking – which happened to introduce me to many people who would become friends.

Defining Your Own Job

I have spent the past 2 years, since I stopped being a manager, trying to define my job. No, that’s a lie, I’ve been trying to define my own job for much longer than 2 years. I’ve been trying to do it for many years. Specifying both what is and what is not my job. I suspect many (but not all) of my peers are doing something similar. If you are happy with your personal status quo, with your existing structures and roles, with doing what you are told, you can skip this post (maybe read this one on community instead). However, if you are still interested, join me on a journey of self-definition.