I waved goodbye to the smiling faces arrayed before me on my monitor and prepared to join my next call. It was late Wednesday morning, and these were my last two calls before starting a four-day weekend. I looked forward to finishing up some tasks, cleaning up loose ends, and heading out on my annual backpacking trip. The call had been a going-away for my friend Amy. Her last day would be Friday, but this call had been scheduled for Wednesday so I could attend. My next call was my regular one-on-one with my manager, also moved up because of my time off. Things had been strained between us, so I wasn't exactly looking forward to it, but I was looking forward to getting it over with and heading out on my vacation.
I clicked the link and the video call opened. Instead of one, there were two people on this call: my manager and someone I did not know. That could not be good. Was I being put on a performance improvement plan? My boss quickly introduced the second person — she was from HR — and then continued. "David, you are not meeting my performance expectations for a staff engineer. Further, I do not see a path for you to meet those expectations. Therefore we are letting you go, effective today.”
He told me our colleague from HR would walk me through the process.“Do you have any questions for me?" he asked.
I did have questions. I had questions for him, for her, and later, I had many questions for myself.
That Wednesday was over a year ago. Many things changed for me in that moment, and I have spent a lot of time thinking about it since then. This post introduces a series of posts about my thinking, learning, and life over the past year. The first post is out now, with the remainder to follow.
Before continuing, I would like to briefly address “You are not meeting my performance expectations.” It’s true, I wasn’t meeting his expectations. It’s also true that I was good at my job. All my formal reviews had been good to great in my 10 years in that job. I usually received glowing reviews and was promoted twice. After being let go, I received many touching notes from colleagues who were shocked and upset that I had been let go. Many of the notes directly contradicted my manager’s story.
While it is scary to say publicly that I was fired, I think it is important to the story I want to tell. I also think sharing it may help others in similar tough times.
That said, this series is not about my dismissal per se, but rather my reaction to it and my continual attempts to make sense of it so I could move on and make the most of my life, experiencing and creating as much goodness (joy, wonder, love, satisfaction, …) as possible. This story starts well before my firing, and continues well afterwards. I have tried to intentionally live my life, regularly reflecting on what makes me happy and fills me with energy, and what does the reverse. Those reflections led me to both become a manager (lead engineer), and then eventually step away from that job. After transitioning from management to a staff engineer role, I continually tried to define my own job to be the best it could for myself and my company. Those efforts set the scene for this series.
- This series starts with me getting the role I had long worked to develop and sell. Starting that role was scary, as I then needed to deliver in that high stakes role. In this first post, I talk about framing that pressure and the nervousness of having to deliver in that new position.
- The series continues after my dismissal as I tried to give myself the space I needed to adjust. It turns out that too much free space can be terrifying, at least for me.
- Losing my job was a large shock to my sense of identity, and I have been actively reshaping my sense of self. Several posts in the series cover my thinking and shaping of my identity:
- Early in my time off, I started to grapple with the question of “Who am I?” I had let too much of my identity be tied up in my job. Losing my job disrupted how I thought of myself.
- After spending a lot of time grappling with who I am, I realized I didn’t know who I was. At least I didn’t know how to tell the story of my personal journey over the past 10 years, including losing my job.
- After continued reflection, I returned to who I wanted to be, as a unified human being. I didn’t want a professional identity and a personal identity. I wanted one unified identity, with my professional life being one expression of that identity. I expect this will be a continuing process for the rest of my life. I feel really good about my current framing of my identity.
- Finally, the period of reflection covered by this series ends with me starting my next job and moving on to the next chapter of my life.
These posts, including the reflection, drafts, editing, and discussion that went into them, are part of the larger process I’ve been going through as I’ve made sense of this part of my life — and my life going forward. Writing them has been a healing, growing, and positive part of my past year. I share it all with you in the hope that it might help you or otherwise resonate with you. If any of it does help or resonate, I would love to hear from you about it.
Thank you to Heather Beasley Doyle for her feedback on this post and her support through this entire period of my life. Heather is a gifted writer. You should check out her homepage and her writing.
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